30 weeks and 2 days!

     OK, first of all, I apologize for not updating this sooner, but life has been pretty crazy!! I am 30 weeks and 2 days pregnant! I cannot believe how fast this is all going!! It seems like yesterday that I announced we were expecting, and now we are putting the final touches on the nursery, and thinking about what to pack in hospital "go bag." I'm sure you have kept up with me on Facebook, but so far, this has been a fairly easy pregnancy. Not that I have anything to compare it to, but I don't think it's been too bad, and I actually like being pregnant! I had all day morning sickness the first 4 months, but, I really didn't mind because every time I got sick, I was just reminded of the miracle growing strong and healthy inside of me.
     I'm feeling Luke kick like crazy, and LOVE it!!! Some women say it creeps them out, but I think it's just incredible!! He is a bit stubborn already though. When I tell Paul or friends and family that he is kicking, when they go to put their hand on my belly to feel, he usually stops. It's kind of funny, and I wonder if that is a sign of his personality coming out already.
Last week, while I was at home for my grandma's funeral, I was laying on the bean bag in my mom and dad's living room, and told my sister that he was kicking. She ran over, put her hand on my belly, and he stopped. I told her just to leave her hand there for a little bit. She did, and a few minutes later he gave her a big ole' swift kick to the hand! Her eyes got really big, and she was like, "that was hard!" We both agreed he was like "fine! but this is it, now leave me alone and let me sleep!" It was funny, but I'm so glad she was able to feel him.
     I guess the only thing I have to complain about is lack of good sleep. I've never really been a good sleeper, but now it's especially difficult. But, like my mom said, it's just God preparing me for those late night feedings, and motherhood in general.
     I go to the doctor this Wednesday and will get another sonogram. I can't wait to see how much our little man has grown! According to all of the "how big is baby" apps, he is about the size of a head of lettuce, about 18 inches long, and 3.5 pounds. I can't believe he will double his weight in 2 months!! Speaking of 2 months.....that's all we have left (or less) until we meet sweet Luke! I have a countdown on my phone, and it is 60 days today until March 16th!! I can't believe it! EEEK I'm so excited!!!
      There are many things I lay awake and think about (when I can't sleep) like, who he will look like. What color of eyes and hair will he have? Whose lips and nose will he get? I had a dream a few weeks ago that he had hair like my dads...a lot of it and really dark!! In fact, he had so much that the first thing I said when they handed him to me was, "OMG, he needs a haircut!" LOL Now, I hope those won't be my first words about my baby, but I thought the dream was funny. My mom had the same kind of dream about what his hair looked like!
     Well, that's all I can think of for now, I'll try to be better about updating the blog. I hope you all have a blessed day!!

Happy Birthday, Paul!

This blog post is dedicated to my hubby, Paul!

I really don't even know where to begin. This is the sixth birthday I have spent with this man, and I have to say, I love him more today than I did six years ago! I honestly didn't think that was possible, but, it's true!
Paul is probably rolling his eyes right now because he is the most humble person I know, and doesn't like all of this attention. Well, sorry babe, the spotlight is on YOU today! :)

I guess I'll tell you why I love Paul Farmer so much. He is smart, funny, handsome, TALL ;), he's easy going, and strong. Paul is sensitive, compassionate, and has motivation. Paul is a hard worker, and just plain fun to be around. He's quite most of the time, but boy can he make me laugh!
But, most importantly, he is a man of God.

When I met Paul almost seven years ago, I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him that there was something special about him. He was different from any other guy I knew. He was honest, caring, and again, a man of God, and he wasn't ashamed to share it!

Today, on your birthday, I want you to know how special you are to me, Paul Daniel. I thank God every single day that He made you for me.

I can't wait to see you as the father of our child, and spend many, many more birthdays with you!!

With all my love,
Monica

Plans

Well, well, well. I haven't updated the blog since May! Oops! Sorry about that! I've been pretty busy! The end of school is always so crazy, and then we went on a couple of vacations. We went to Washington D.C and Nashville, and both were so much fun! This summer was a summer that was definitely "planned." (more on our summer plans later.)

     I have always been one to plan everything I can. I planned what I wanted to do with my life, I planned our wedding, I plan vacations, dinner menus, even outfits for work. Well, all of my planning came crashing down on me a few months ago. As you may remember, Paul and I "planned" on starting a family after we had been married for five years. However, I always had in the back of my mind that it may take us longer, so we started trying for a family a little before our four year anniversary. Like I said, our plans were shattered when we were told in February we would never be able to conceive a child naturally. 

     You see, I learned that our plans are not always what is best. But you know whose plan is best? God's. Always, without a doubt, never failing, His plan is ALWAYS perfect! Perfect timing, and perfect in what His will is for us, if we just let go of our plans, and give it all over to Him! 

OK, back to our plans this summer, if you recall, the only option for us to have a child of our own is through Invitro-Fertilization (IVF). We knew we would be going through this process this summer. This is something we prayed about heavily, and really felt led to start the process in the summer. IVF is not for the faint of heart. I started with medication in late May, and by the middle of June, I was going in every three days for ultrasounds and blood work. I was driving an hour one-way to go to these appointments. We felt since I'm a teacher, and have the summer off, this would be the best option for us at this time. 

     There is a lot that goes into the process, and I'll explain more in-depth in a later post, but I'll give you the abbreviated version. After being on the fertility drugs for about 3 1/2 weeks, Paul and I went in on June 30th for the egg retrieval. Three days later, on July 3rd, we did the embryo transfer. We had three embryos initially, but we felt led to only transfer one. I'm already high-risk because of my diabetes, and we didn't want to put any more stress on my body. So, after the transfer, I was sent home to rest. We had to turn several people down for July 4th plans, and know you know why; I was trying to grow a baby. I rested quite a bit longer than my doctor told me I had to, but I figured since I'm home, why not? What is it going to hurt? So, after July 3rd, we just had to wait. Just like any normal couple trying to conceive, I had to wait about 10 days to find out if we had a positive test. 

     On July 13th, I went to Austin to have my blood drawn. This was a very important blood draw because it would tell us if we had a BFP (Big Fat Positive) or BFN (Big Fat Negative). So, I left the house at 7:00 to get to the lab by 8:00, I was home by 9:00. Then, we had to wait..some more! God has really taught me a lot about this whole waiting thing. Anyways, I had specific instructions from my Dr.'s office to call the on-call nurse after 1:30. Well, at 1:31, I made the call. Of course, it's a pager and I had to wait for her to call me back. It took her almost an hour to call me back! It was the longest hour ever for us!!

This is how the conversation went:

Me: Hello

Pam(the nurse): Hi Monica, this is Pam, it's a positive! 

Me: Um, are you serious, really? 

Pam: Yes! Your levels look really good and are promising to be a strong pregnancy!
Me: umm, ok umm thank you!!! 

She then gave me instructions to continue some of the medications I was already on, and to go in on Monday for another blood test. This test is referred to as a BETA, and they want your numbers to at least double in a 48 hour period. So, I went in on Monday, the 15th, and my BETA went from 55 to 111! I was officially pregnant! Paul and I just hugged each other, cried, and praised God!! 

This was news we had prayed for and wished for and dreamed about for so long! And, we give ALL the glory to God!! 

We told our families that day, and they were over the moon excited! 

So, what have we been up to since July? Well, we went in on July 29th for our first u/s. We got to see and hear the baby's heartbeat, and it was the BEST thing I have ever heard in my entire life!! The heartbeat was beating at 109 BPM. 

Today, we went to our second u/s and heard the heartbeat again! Again, best sound ever! The heartbeat was 167 BPM!!! Any guesses on if it's a boy or girl?! Today was bitter sweet, however. I have been under the care of my Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. Burger at the Texas Fertility Clinic since February. She is absolutely amazing! Well, today we "graduated" to a regular OB/GYN! I cried hard core in the exam room, and told her what a God send she has been! I thought she was going to start crying too. She gave us a big ole' Texas size hug, and told us to come back when we were ready for our second!! 

So, the baby is the size of a raspberry now; he/she should be making his/her appearance into this world sometime around March 23rd!!! 

I just want to take this time to thank each and every one of you for your prayers and concerns. It means so much to Paul and me! 

I'm so happy to be writing this blog, but I just want to reiterate that we give ALL the Glory to God!!! His plans are always perfect, in every.single.way. 

God is good all the time; all the time God is good! 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11

                                          This is our sweet little Raspberry! 

All about MY mom!

I just want to say a little bit about my Momma in honor of Mother's Day weekend. This blog in no way does justice, or even hits the surface of how highly I think of my beautiful mom! She is smart, beautiful, and wise. She has taught me about God, love, and life. She loves my daddy with her whole heart, and in return taught me how to love my husband the way a wife should. She put up with me through the most difficult years of my her life; the teenage years. She took care of me when I was sick; she was at EVERY school event: school parties, basketball games, track meets, FCCLA events, proms, homecomings, and more! She was about 85% responsible in planning and implementing the details of our wedding. She takes care of our sweet dog Miley so Paul and I can travel and see the world.
You see, mothering doesn't stop when your child turns 18. Yes, they may be an adult, but a child will ALWAYS need their mom! I honestly don't know where I would be right now if it wasn't for her. She STILL checks on me, worries about me, and loves me unconditionally!  My mom is the most selfless person I know; she is the strongest person I know;she is the most beautiful person I know inside and out!

Mom,
I am forever grateful for your undying love and support you have shown me the last 28 years! I know I can ALWAYS count on you to love me and support me no matter what may come my way! You are a true example of what a mom should be, and I hope and pray I can be just half the mom you are to my children someday.
Momma: God made you my mom, LOVE made us best friends!

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)

-Just Awareness-

Monday kicked off the start of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). If you asked me a year ago what I knew about infertility, I wouldn't have been able to tell you very much. If you asked me six months ago what I knew about infertility, I would have wanted to tell you that deep down I knew there was something wrong. However, I probably said, “I’m just trying to relax, it’ll happen.” Or, “We are just going to go on vacation, it’ll for sure happen then.” Because, that is what “they” all say, right? :”Just relax, just go on vacation, just quit trying, just adopt, then you’ll get pregnant.”
                I was a part of “they” at one point. Why? Because I was unaware, I was unaware of how many people infertility affects, I was unaware of the emotional and physical toll it takes on a couple, I was unaware of what we were about to face. I like to equate the unawareness part to when I was diagnosed with diabetes. “They” all told me, “just don’t eat sugar, and your levels will be fine.” Again, I was a part of “they” because I was unaware. It now seems there is more awareness for diabetes, at least there is in my circle. I’m not sure if this is because I have tried to make more people aware, or if society has done that itself-maybe it’s both.
                One of my goals in going through IF (infertility), is to make people aware. It used to make me really upset when people would tell me to: “just relax”, or, “it could be worse”, or “just adopt”, or “just do Invitro-Fertilization.” While the “just” is never easy to hear, I have a better understanding that people are just unaware. When it come to IF, people know it is a touchy subject, and “they” just simply don’t know what to say, so they say what everyone else says. I know people are just trying to help. But, if there is more awareness, maybe “they” we, would know how to approach the topic of Infertility in a more accepting, and sensitive way. I have had diabetes for ten years, and I haven’t heard, “just don’t eat sugar” in a long time! J I am very grateful for this week, and it will be my lifelong goal to continue to educate people on the Infertility issue in our nation!

Now, on to one other area I would like to address about myself.  –Strength-
Webster defines strength as: the quality or state of being strong: Capacity for exertion or endurance. There have been many people in the last three months tell me that I’m so strong. I’m not. God is. God gives me strength EVERYDAY! There are some days that I just do not feel strong, there are days I don’t want to be strong, and there are days I have pretended to be strong. Those days, (which are daily) God says: “Monica, I’m strong enough for both of us.” That is when I say, “ OK Lord, I’m giving this to you.” I have to do this daily, more than once a day!
                Like I said, this is the hardest thing Paul and I have ever been through. It has shaken us to the core, but at church Sunday, we both felt like the sermon was written for us; it was truly amazing! The scripture was James 1:1-12. “Count it all Joy.” While this is not an easy thing to do, we know and feel in our hearts that this is what The Lord would have us do. We are both confident there are great things to come from all of this, and I’m talking about more than a child of our own; we know that is going to happen! We have already seen God working in our lives and we know there are many more great things to come. We are so excited to see God’s magnificent plan unfold!!
                Thank you all for your continued prayers, support, and words of encouragement. I would like to close this post with a link to the song, “Strong Enough” by Matthew West. I think it’s pretty fitting right now. 

"Strong Enough" By:Matthew Westhttp ://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8JsRxVczmQ

A long time coming....

Wow! It's been a while since I wrote last, didn't really realize it was that long ago. I last wrote only 4 days post surgery....I meant EVERY word I typed, but, I was obviously on pain meds!

So, in case you didn't read the last blog...I had to have my Fallopian Tubes removed, they were so filled with "junk/fluid/endometriosis, that it was the best thing for our future. Yeah, this totally sucks! I can't get pregnant naturally. Ever. This has been the most heart breaking, earth shattering news I have ever had! EVER! I feel like a piece of me died, and it actually did. I think I've been avoiding this blog post, because I've been putting off this news, I thought that if I didn't "type it" into my blog, that it wasn't real. I have told people what is going on, I'm very open and honest if you come right out and ask me, but, this is the first time I've actually written this all the way out. It has taken me a while to write this, becuase it is still very raw to cope with. The more I talk about it, the more it becomes so real! Many people think I'm so strong, but I get my strength from The Lord!! Somedays I'm stronger than others, but I'm so thankful I have The Lord on my side!! I'm so thankful for everyone who prayed for me during surgery, and beyond! Please, keep those prayers coming!! I/we need them! If this blog seems random and out of the blue, well, it probably is. I don't think too clear these days, we have a lot going on right now, so, please don't judge! Just like the title says, "a long time coming" this can be interpreted in more ways than one! Answers has been 'a long time coming' truth has been 'a long time coming'. There are A LOT of people that do not understand infertility!  I was one of them!! I had no idea how many people infertilty effects! According to my clinic, Texas Fertility Clinic, Infertility affects 1 out of 7 couples! Until now, for me, it's been a topic that has been "hush, hush!" Infertilty has been something that no one wants to talk about. This is a big problem people!! Do you know at least 7 couples? You most likely do....and at least one of them is struggling with having a family!!! There needs to me more awareness about infertility, but that is not what this blog is about. Actually, I'm not quite sure what this blog is about. I feel like I'm rambling, and I still want to put some "stuff" on this blog.....so, here's the "stuff"
What NOT to say to an infertlile: please visit this website!
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

So, the elephant in the room: babies....I love babies! Right now, however, I'm afraid to hold them, or even talk abou them. I'm afraid of just breaking down, and not able to control myself! I broke down Palm Sunday! Having all those babies around me was just too much! So, if I'm around your baby, and I don't hold him/her, please don't think I'm not happy for you...I truly am!!! I just don't want to minimaze any feelings anyone else may have.  All I can think about when I see a baby is:, "that should be my baby walking through here!" and "that should be my baby I'm getting an Easter outfit." Everything has neen pretty hard! There are many things that have tried to consume my life. I know God has a plan, I know I may not see it now, but I know He is there! I honestly can't wait to see what the future has in store for me and our children!
So, I'm pretty sure this blog has been complete randomness, and I really hope this makes sense. I know a lot of you have not wanted to ask questions, but I'm always open to any questions you may have.

Another Hurdle

I had the Laparoscopy surgery on Friday, the 15th to see if they could repair the blocked Fallopian tubes. Paul, and my mom and dad were all at the surgery center, and were with me the whole time until the wheeled me back for surgery. The surgery took a little over 2 hours. When I woke up in recovery, they asked if I wanted to see Paul, and of course, I did! He came over to my side, grabbed my hand, and kissed my forehead. I asked what they did, and he said, "we'll talk about it later." I said, "they took them didn't they?" I knew instantly. I think I honestly knew on Wednesday at our pre-op appointment what the results would be. I don't know how, I can't describe it, but I just knew. But, it was confirmed on Friday. I am a 28 year old woman with no Fallopian tubes. As I sit here writing this, it seems so surreal; it has been very hard for me to wrap my head around all of this.
Now, I know some of you are saying to yourself, "Oh, well, it's not that big of a deal, you can just do IVF, right?" The answer is: yes, I am a great canditate for IVF..but it's not "just do IVF" there is A LOT that goes into the IVF process, lots of medicnes, lots of money, lots of monitoring, lots of poking and prodding.... We have an appointment witht our specialist in a couple of weeks, and we will get more information at that time. In the mean time, I am praying for peace and understanding.

I am so, so, SO very grateful for my amazing husband!! He has been my ROCK, and my soft place to land! I love him more today than I did the day I married him; I'm not quite sure how that is possible, but our God is amazing! I'm thankful for my parents and my sisters, they all have been there to support us through it all, and I love them so much! Thanks so much to everyone! I can feel all of your prayers, and appreciate all the texts, calls, and more!!

Like Paul told me in recovery, this is just another hurdle.....I think I told him I'm tired of hurdles, if I didn't say it, I meant to! But, I know God has a reason for this, and I just keep my mind on the finish line...."our baby!"
~Jeremiah 29:11-13~